I apologize for not having this up yesterday. I had it scheduled to do so, but I must of done something wrong. I didn't notice until today. Sorry.
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And now the second part to: Flats or Heels? by Lucia
At times, I have blamed others for not being able to find the time for that x, y, and z project or the sleep I so need. However, in moments of deep self-reflection, I have realized that this space I long for is one that I leave out for unconscious, secondary gain. I have often prized myself on doing it all, full time mom, full time job, and “look my house is spotless (yeah right)!” I am efficient at work and a relatively on top of it mom. Yet, I am finding, that the things I miss by trying to do it all are much more important than what others think of my sparkly floor. Why do I need this approval? Why have I allowed this to continue? While I sacrifice myself, I also sacrifice my children’s time in the process. They, by their relationship with me, are extensions of me. I neglect my “self” I neglect them. Thus, I create an atmosphere in which what is important is not the impromptu game or joke, but an unconscious, agitated, need for others’ approval. And the cycle continues. Do I want this for my children? Well that’s easy, NO!
What I have found over time is that the permission for self, in this case “my” self, was something I sought after from others and have found instead that I needed to give this to myself. Why is self-care the last thing we as mothers think of as a daily part of our lives? We make time for play dates, taking kids to school, our husbands work events, but time for ourselves? It seems selfish. After working with families for so long, one of things I have noticed most is that many people (and not just women) don’t feel that they have permission to do so. It is of fundamental importance to our sanity and well-being. How many of you have scheduled that much needed dental appointment for Junior but neglected our yearly (and vital) mammogram?
A relative of mine informed me that when she was a young mother, she didn’t have anyone to take care of her three boys when she was sick, she “did it herself.” She expressed this with pride, however, after pondering this for some time; I came up with one thought: it doesn’t need to be so. My parents are immigrants, and in their country, extended family members live together not just for necessity but because of different cultural norms making it possible for supportive networks to engage when others are in need. This is familial balance. A family in balance ensures community health. In adopting a do-it-yourself lifestyle, we run the risk of abandoning the very roots of family prosperity. If we have the opportunity to return to familial wellbeing why not start now?
So, I run. I run for my health, I run to clear my head, and most importantly, I run for my sanity. I eat healthy and I take at least a 10 minute power nap to rejuvenate and be ready for anything that comes my way. I make time for finding that lost toy that just so happened to slide under the couch, to fly like Peter Pan, listen to stories, have funny faces contests (“you funny mami”) and “ooh” and “ahh” over amorphous play doh creations. I have a great support system around me and I use them to vent my frustrations because you can’t do this alone. Without support, we surrender the opportunity to experience life authentically. And I apologize. I ask for forgiveness when I am cranky because I am not perfect and I neglected to eat my Wheaties that morning. I respect my children and hopefully they respect me in return.
Getting to the mindset to place myself first has taken several trials and has nevertheless backfired at times. I have often felt anguish over taking a morning run and not making it back in time to when my son goes to school. Therefore, (you guessed it) I neglected to go so that I could help him get ready instead. While my grumbling and crankiness sets in, I feel resentful because my hubby wakes up and takes his time getting ready. How dare him! But wait. Didn’t I co-create this? If he knew how important this was to me, he would also make this a priority. If I have made it an important part of the day, he would respond likewise. And he has. I let him know that running makes me feel grounded. His behavior towards me changes accordingly, thus returning our life to balance. Wow, it all started with a pair of flats.
How did this all pass through my mind in the shoe department? Well, it was a wake up call to remind me to an integrated and complete “me,” not just the “sensible me,” but the “playful and fun” me as well. So, in case you were wondering, I selected a great pair of black, stiletto booties ready to be worn for a date night with my honey.
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Thank you Lucia!
So what kind of pair of shoes did you buy recently?
My guest today is not just a mami, a Latina, a great psychologist, but also the best friend anyone can have. I've been asking her to start her own blog forever! Though she still has not started one (but there are definite plans in the future) she has agreed to write a post for my blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Mi invitada de hoy no solo es una gran mami, latina, e increíble psicóloga, si no también la mejor amiga que uno pueda pedir. Ya tengo tiempo pidiéndole que empiece a escribir su propio blog! Por lo pronto (pues si hay planes de empezar uno) ha escrito un post para mi blog. Espero lo disfruten tanto como yo. (Solo esta escrito en Ingles. Si gustan pueden usar el google translator (aqui).
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I’m a hoarder, which, for me means that I store up items to save for that “special occasion.” Outfits, nice dishes, fancy fabric, the “good” towels. I recently noticed that when I’ve looked for that nice platter to use for a fancy dinner, I find myself scratching my head thinking, “wait, did I even have one?”
I’ve been carrying around a small envelope filled with gift cards I’ve received for my birthday, mother’s day, Christmas... I have a few winners. The other day I looked in my bag and I found $100 to Macy’s. To Macy’s of all places! Why haven’t I used them? My rationale: “Well I’ve looked in the store and couldn’t spend $25 because the shoes I wanted were more than three times that amount, and well, I could buy these very practical flats that I really need.” But uggh, flats seem so boring.
I am extremely responsible. However, I think the word to best describe me is “sensible (doesn’t that seem like a dirty word).” .” I am also “thrifty,” “level-headed,” and “dependable.” Why was picking out a pair of flats or much needed “to be around the house” clothes so difficult? I happened to meet up with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a while and she and I spoke about our careers and clothes (of course) all while we were browsing at the shoe department. I must have tried on dozens of “comfortable” (ugh) flats and couldn’t decide on a pair when she listlessly said, “why do you need to get flats?” “Well, I stay at home now, so I need some shoes that I can run around in.” She looked me in the eye, “Oh, stop being so sensible, it’s your birthday for crying out loud!” Huh? Am I too sensible? Me? Really? What an epiphany, “she’s right!” I thought about this for a moment, “when the hell am I gonna’ have $100 dollars to spend on myself to get whatever my heart desires?” I am not working right now, I don’t have any extra income, and it is my birthday. Why am I thinking about buying new shoes to purposefully get mud and juice, and Lord knows what else on? And since when have I been sensible?
I am your classic caregiver. Please don’t sigh; you know you’re one too, especially if you are a mother or someone in the caring “fields” (teachers, nurses, mental health professionals, etc.). I happen to be a double whammy, a mother and a psychologist. I am not practicing at the moment, but taking a break to care for my little ones. I happen to think that this care giving “career” is one in which I didn’t choose. It was given to me. It makes me a caring person, but it doesn’t serve me. It is one in which I leave myself out of the equation, so to speak. So how, I’ve wondered, can my life be balanced, if the scale is tipped so far off the edge that a 200 pound weight can’t seem to steady me?
With my clients, I have learned that in order to be an effective therapist, I need to be present, open and authentic, otherwise my decisions will be biased and my judgment impaired. I am “on” and ready and in order to be in that space, a great deal of emotional preparation needs to take place. I meditate, breathe and use consultation so that I do not color or cloud their issues with my own. Why does this stop when I get home? Why don’t I prepare in the same way for my own family? In that very moment, gazing adoringly at a lovely pair of stiletto booties, I realized, there needs to be more space for “me” at home.
At around 2pm everyday, my body appears to want to hibernate while my children appear to be revving full speed ahead. “Oh, for the love of all things holy, please nap!!!” I become snappy and impatient, and the issues that at once seemed easy to handle appear to incite meltdowns within seconds. If you walked into our house, you wouldn’t know that a seasoned, infant-family, mental health “expert” lived in that home. Instead you find chaos, confusion and disorder.
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Want to read more? Come back tomorrow to read on. :: Quieres leer mas? Regresa mañana para leer la segunda parte.
Did she get flats or heels?::Que creen compro los tacones o las zapatillas?
